Wax on, Wax off

Prison, not exactly a place you would equate with being funny, but since I would much rather laugh than cry, I am well known to do as much at anyone’s expense.

Thankfully I am 230 pounds; otherwise I am sure I would have been attacked for a few of my bigger theatrical stunts. Some of these stunts are like apple trees; they must be groomed for some time before they mature. You plant the seed of a joke, only to have it carried out and bear fruit much later.

A perfect example is the way I keep my cage, or, as my honey-boo-boo wife would prefer that I call it, “my cell.” Everything is in meticulous order. My locker has to be arranged a certain way, and even the labels on my Ramen noodle soup have to face the same direction. I hide my extension cords and T.V. cable under hand crafted cardboard molding to satisfy the O.C.D. side of me. Under my green storage bins – where I keep my neatly folded clothes – I even had the tailor shop create custom booties. Of course, I have to keep the scraping noise to a minimum; I hate that sound, but more importantly so the bins don’t scratch my waxed floor.

Wax is a contraband and rather expensive, but I am nuts enough to buy it. Since it is illegal, I do not use it when anyone could see me applying it to the floor. Usually, when everyone is locked in, I wax away. The only drawback is – since I am using it on concrete with the same texture as a sidewalk – it needs numerous coats. The plus side is the more you apply, the better it looks. To keep my secret safe – and plant a mischievous seed – I tell everyone the wax is a homemade concoction of toothpaste, mayo, and shampoo. The toothpaste is abrasive, the mayo gives it shine, and once the shampoo dries, it seals everything.  Then,  as you wear it down, it activates the shampoo smell, and keeps your cage smelling like fresh soap.