Wax on, Wax off

After carefully waxing my floor for hours with real wax, a neighbor of mine starts asking question after question. “Here we go.” I tell him the easiest way to have his floor look just like mine is to squeeze out about three tubes of toothpaste, dump a bottle of mayo on top of it, then mix it evenly until you get a thick coat across half the floor. To get the best possible results, you have to scrub it in as hard as possible so the toothpaste sets. The final touch is to pour the whole bottle of shampoo on top of everything and let it air dry.

The only problem is that it will NEVER dry, nor will it ever come up, unless you wash it several dozen times. By the time you’ve scrubbed most of the concoction out of the concrete, the toothpaste has already turned the floor nice doo-doo color, or maybe the now rotten mayo does, I am not really sure. After going out for a few hours one afternoon, the first thing I noticed coming back to my cage was an overwhelming mint odor.

My frantic ex-neo Nazi neighbor told me he followed my directions to the “T,” but after fanning the floor since applying the goo an hour ago, it still will not dry, and it won’t come up. Just as I was telling him to hold an electric fan over it, thirty or so people started chanting, “So fresh and so clean-clean.” The only part that actually bothered me was that I could not see his face turn several shades of red.