My next contestant about to look like a complete jackass was a new guy. These ones usually are the funniest because they are so naive, I often wonder what planet they came from. The second our new guys gate locked behind him, I appeared in front of his cage to ask the “who-what-where and when.” Then to get him comfortable, I offered him a smoke and a cup of coffee. During our conversation, I let him know that Tupac Shakur was in the same cell he now occupied. He actually was in this cellblock years ago but hell if I know what cell it was nor did it matter.
Moving right along, I let him know Tupac wrote his lyrics on the underside the steel frame of the bed. Without fail, he slid under the bed to see for himself. This of course is the same bed no one had swept under since Jesus himself walked the earth. “Gee you don’t see it, maybe you should try facing the other direction.” This is just to ensure his shirt and head pick up every dust bunny, and super sized fur ball from the beginning of time. Most of which are already firmly embedded in the fabric of his shirt as if he’d used glue.
After a minute of letting him search, I have to tell him I might have my cells mixed up. But I’m really considering contacting the Swiffer people, as their little broom thing doesn’t have shit on a fresh sweatshirt attached to a wiggling body. “Oh, you’re all dusty, and you want some hot water to wash up?” We don’t have any, and there is only one button on the sink. So, If you’re too stupid to figure out the one on the left is missing, you’re fair game.