Clams On Ice

My wife and I occasionally discuss this issue yet still go about our lives as any married couple would. The biggest difference is that an average couple lives together, while I am only permitted to cohabit a residence for two days once every two months. There are obvious drawbacks, as well as benefits to such an arrangement. The biggest drawback is the amount of time allotted every two months. This means I am also forced to live between two separate worlds. Which after leaving a visit I feel as though I am going to prison for the first time all over again. I am then searched, researched, then tested for other contraband in a large room that looks like a combination of the DMV and Immigration Authority. After the depression behind this all hits, I am escorted to my cage where i usually take a much needed nap to escape the fact I have once again returned to prison.

Yet another drawback is, after living in a cage for decades, a convict gets either extremely organized, or live like a complete animal. I choose to live the O.C.D. life which means that each item I posses has to have a specific place. When I go on my conjugal visits, it often throws me into an utter state of confusion. To make this that much more difficult, my wife has a completely different type of O.C.D. than I have.

A perfect example would be: my O.C.D. dictates the juice and milk be placed on the left hand side of the fridge. My significant others O.C.D. narrates the larger items belong in the back of the fridge, and the smaller items up front. We went as far as discussing this issue, yet we both make like the other party is not paying attention, someone quickly moves the juice to where our bent minds believes it belongs.

Another issue is actually sleeping. We don’t usually sleep together as one might assume two affectionate starved people might do. We start out next to each other but wind up playing for hours like a pair of ten year olds on a camping trip. So in a sleep deprived state, someone will head for the couch. Not that this is some safe haven which is off limits to pranks, or safe from shenanigans. As more than once in a while my wife was peacefully sleeping with her head propped up on a comfy pillow, I will raid the fridge, and directly afterwards do a “drive by.” Which is to walk slowly by the couch while passing gas. Call it immature, but I get a laugh out of watching her face curl up as I scamper back to bed trying not to be detected. Thankfully instead of getting overly perturbed, I usually hear her giggle as she playfully curses me out into her pillow.

Although gross in theory, thankfully along with having the same twisted sense of humor as I do (except for the time I carefully saran wrapped the top of the toilet bowl) my wife is well aware of my issues, and tries to be as understanding as possible. This even though aside from everything else, I still shower in my underwear, and will occasionally hide silverware under my pillow. But for the most part we stay laughing so its all well and good.

To try and ease my transition from convict, to part time regular person, my significant other shows up with items most of you would take for granted, yet I find precious. For instance, it has been recited for eons that the fastest way to a mans heart is through his stomach. So when she appears with a shopping bag filled with steaks and sushi, she assumes its much easier for me to transition from a convict to a loving attentive husband. I hope she never figures out I would be just as happy with a box of Lucky Charms, and grilled cheese sandwiches. As its not the food I look forward to, but its actually her company which further aggravates the hater’s.