The Neighbors

You didn’t inherit anything, pay dearly to live where you are, and will for another twenty or so years as that’s how many payments you have left.  So, if you don’t want to be bothered with these people, you have to nail your doors shut and not come out except for special occasions, or until your social security check kicks in.

I’m not that fortunate. I can’t decide to be a shut in or a recluse as the Corrections Dept. likes to make sure you’re still here. Then, Instead of a nice mahogany door with a stained glass window. I have bars which can’t keep out passing comments, let alone anything else.

Which brings me to my neighbors. To my left is Evan M. aka The Headless Horseman. Mid-thirties, textbook bug-out, who decided to cut his neighbors head off one day simply because she answered the door. He seat-belted her head in the car and took her noggin for a nice tranquil drive to unwind. I wonder when he stopped short did he put his arm out so her head wouldn’t fall? Or how the hell did he explain himself to the cop who pulled him over for driving alone in the car pool lane? “No Officer, since the head used to be attached to an entire body, technically she counts as the second person in the car, so I CAN use the H.O.V. lane.”

Now safely locked up for the past six to seven years, he can’t play with knives anymore (at least not store bought ones) so his new hobby is jumping on the bed, then climbing the bars, literally.

I know this is hard to believe, but it is true. Whenever the mood strikes, he starts bouncing away like an eight year old who found his father’s coke stash. Then he climbs the bars like a stripper at a telethon wearing a skateboard helmet. Since he’s obviously nuts, I try not to waste my time convincing him his cell is not a state issued jungle gym. That is, until my wall starts vibrating and my typewriter starts shaking, then all bets are off.

Two cells away is a guy who claims he is a woman trapped in a man’s body. I’ve heard of that one before and I guess sometimes these things happen, but to throw another wrench into the works he also thinks he might be a lesbian.