Fifteen Things I Found Humorous in Prison

Fifteen Things I Found Humorous in Prison

Having lived in one prison or another for close to two decades, I can’t help but look back at a few of the humorous (and in some instances, not so humorous) things I have seen:

1. Sitting in the prison yard watching someone getting spit on for sixty-two consecutive days and the person being spit on enjoyed the attention.

2. Someone starting a harmless snowball fight, then putting a rock inside one of the snowballs.

3. Wiping a lit cigarette across the urinal, then throwing it on the ground, knowing some fiend was going to pick it up and smoke it thinking it had only been wet lipped.

4. Watching a guy bench press five hundred pounds, then see him tie his shirt up in a knot and sashay away as though he were wearing heels.

5. Intentionally spilling coffee on the stairs in the winter. It would it instantly freeze and the next group coming out would slip in unison and land in a pile.

6. Waiting for an avalanche to come off the hundred foot high roof and clobber a guy and not tell him its about to fall.

7. Bringing extra large live roaches into the mess hall to run free across the table and the people next to you.

8. Holding in gas for what seems like forever just to let it loose as you’re being frisked by a C.O, “SSSSSSSssss.”

9. Putting Saran Wrap on someone’s toilet bowl – I won’t say whose, but most of you reading this probably heard of the guy and yes, he pissed on everything, including himself.

10. Putting peanut butter on the handle of someone’s cell door, then after they close it, watch as they casually smell their hand.

11. Putting BENGAY in someone’s boxers while they’re in the shower, then watching them do a combination of the salsa and power walking back to their cell.

12. Lighting someone’s feet on fire while they slept. Then yelling “FIRE!”

13. Putting a lit cigar in someone’s back pocket as they’re going up the stairs, before they realize their ass is on fire they always try to scratch it first.

14. Putting baby powder under someone’s pillowcase. The next morning at breakfast they look like the Stay Puff Marshmallow man from  Ghostbusters.

15. Making Metamucil pancakes complete with chocolate Ex-lax melted on top. They really do taste like chocolate and it isn’t too bad with syrup. However, the first bubble is an issue.